Hey guys! I just wanted to blog and write my thoughts down today because I have nobody to really talk to right now. Perhaps the main reason is I dislike making my problem someone else's problem and I hate being a burden to others too. The best way for me to let it out is basically by "talking" with my dear blog. Sometimes I wish robots are real and have true feelings, so that there's like someone there just to provide a listening ear. I'm just feeling vexed right now I suppose. I think having a blog is really great because it is where I can really express my true emotions and feelings. I always put a smile on my face and try to make everyone else happy when I'm with friends and all, but deep down inside it isn't that way.

On Friday, my Mum had a conversation with me alone in the morning and she kind of breakdown pretty badly. Dad's health seem to be in not a really good shape? He needs to go for a test to check the medical condition of his artery to see if it's blocked. It's more like a precaution when someone gets older I suppose, but my Mum was really stressed and worried about it. She started crying and stuff and started talking about her life etc. The things that nobody would like to hear and I've been worried too and stuff. Everytime I try suppressing it, it will surface and when I think of it, the pain is just overwhelming and it hurts especially when they are the people you cared about the most. Whenever I think about it, I just can't hold back my tears, even now when I'm talking about it. I'm holding on and trying to be strong, but I can't hold on much longer anymore. I feel like I'm like a time bomb about to explode, but I can't do anything except hold on. Mum's worried about finance too because the check ups and stuff aren't cheap. She doesn't want me going around telling people, but do I have a choice ? Yes, perhaps I do, but I can't hold on like this because I'll go insane if I don't talk to anyone about this. Yeah, my blog isn't human, but it's my best option by far because I can't talk to anybody else. What will they say or do ? *Sighz*

I cared about my parents a lot although I may not necessary show it to them. When I was in secondary school, I couldn't stand my parents because I thought they were more like a burden, but as I matured I realised that they only do the things they do because they LOVE me. Once there was this lady who told me in secondary school "At this age, you hate your parents like anything, but when you grow older, you will understand and love them like anything.". Yeah, she was spot on and I'm trying to make amends, but I just hope that I can make them really proud of me someday.

I've always tried and failed. As all of you should know, I only have an elder sister who is 3 years older than me. I'm the only son and I'm the youngest. I don't really care about what others say about the youngest being the most spoilt or being loved by their parents the most because I know it's all rubbish. My parents love me and my sister equally and I'm contended. I just feel that I haven't made them proud although they have said they are still proud no matter what. It's just the feeling I can sense and I know. My sister has always been better in everything compared to me. I have never done anything to outdo her because whenever I tried, I failed. Just look at studies, her PSLE got her into a good secondary school, Swiss Cottage. Where did I get myself into? Tanglin. I don't regret it at all though, but I know my parents expected much more from me. Her 'O' levels got her into SAJC and my grades couldn't even get me into a freaking JC. She did well for her 'A' levels and she's now completing her Accountacy course in NTU. What am I doing? A course that I may not even want to do in the future as my career.

I feel that my sister is always going to be better at everything no matter how hard I try. Don't get me wrong though. I'm not pissed off at her for being better at everything because that's just the way it is. My parents always said they are proud as long as I put my best in everything, but those are merely words. How can I not think that I'm nothing but a failure? Especially since we started off at the same ground, but somehow she is just better no matter what. It's difficult for me when I feel like I'm living in the shadows and I walk alone. I was thinking earlier on about quitting and dropping out of school because I want to start working and give my parents a good life, but I know that's not what they want for me. Still, it's my decision afterall isn't it? I just want to make them proud just for once. I can't wait another 5 years after NS and Uni because it is too long. If I drop out now and go into NS, I will start earning a monthly income. Although it isn't much, but I can give it all to my parents. After NS, I can try getting a job somewhere and get a part time diploma or something. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. My results are coming out in 3 days time, but I really can't be bothered right now.

I'll be happy for once just to put a smile on their faces. That's all I want to do now and that's all that matters to me now. I went Church again this week and I felt comfort again. I sort of made my decision already, but I just need time to talk to them. I really want to tell them and not keep them in the dark about me leaving the house early in the morning for the past few Sundays, but it just isn't a good time. I don't want to stress them out because they don't need the stress right now. I just pray things will be better and turn out well.

I really don't feel like doing anything or talking to anyone this week. My apologies if I don't respond to you. Just give me a call if it is really important and I'll answer it. I think I just need some time alone this week and think things through before deciding on what to do next. Don't ask me if I'm fine because I can tell you now that I'm not and it really isn't going to help much just by asking "Are you fine? Are you ok?". If you guys really want to talk and know more about my situation, just give me a ring or meet me outside and we can just talk. Also, to those people I made appointments with, I'll still meet you guys because I promised to. Sorry to everyone else.